Backwards: A Love Story
by DarkDefender89
Summary: Olivia was raped:her worst nightmare came true,& it seems like everything is over,so what comes next? None of them expected this. But none of them would EVER expect what came next. Because maybe it is crazy. or maybe some things just happen 4 a reason.
1. Chapter 1

Backwards: A Love Story

**Backwards: A Love Story**

_A story about terror, survival, love, and forgiveness_

Olivia had just finished up her paperwork from a disturbing case and decided to get a drink to clear her mind. It was late, practically midnight. It was dark outside but Olivia wasn't the kind of person to ever get scared. She stood outside of the precinct listening to the whispers of the wind, wondering what they were trying to tell her. She wondered why she even went on, when the rapists and murderers she put away almost always were released early on parole. But inside she knew, she kept going because it was the only thing she could do, because if she knew that if she didn't do something about the evil that was swallowing the world then it would swallow too much.

As Olivia walked on the cold sidewalk, she in no way let her guard down. Olivia was strong and Olivia was stubborn and nothing could ever stop her. She wanted to stop thinking about that evil son-of-a-bitch who had raped, tortured, and killed three teenagers. Krissa Lee's limbs had been severed, while Anna McMann and Kelsi Riders' bodies remained in tact, but did it really matter….all three of them were dead and even though the son-of-a-bitch Porter wouldn't be able to kill anyone else for a heck of a long time, three innocent lives had still been lost. No one deserved that.

Olivia shook her head in despair. She arrived at the bar and walked in and sat down. She would only have a couple of drinks; probably only one. She just wanted to forget everything for a short while. The bartender tried to make conversation with her but she said she was tired and just wanted to think. She finished her drink and went to pay and close her tab.

She stood up to leave, desperate to sink into her soft bed and warm blankets so she could wake up and it would be a new day. The bar smelled like shit, and the men were all so noisy and boisterous. Olivia opened the door of the bar and walked outside. She walked a couple blocks before she realized that she was walking in the wrong direction. Laughing at herself, she sat down on the curb to catch her breath. She only let her guard down for a moment. She didn't hear the footsteps creeping behind her, and wasn't prepared when a man grabbed her and threatened her with a knife. Olivia wouldn't let herself be afraid, even though the knife was digging into her chest. She writhed around and tried to kick the man, but he was too strong, he tightened his grip on her.

Olivia continued fighting his will. She used her chin to knock the knife out of the man's hands and escape from his grip, but almost as soon as the man was down, he was back up again. He grabbed her and dragged her into a dark alley. Olivia was kicking and screaming. "NOO! Let me go! Why are you doing this?"

The gruff man kicked her in the chest, causing her to stumble into the navy blue dumpster in the ally he had trapped her in. The man pushed her against the dumpster and tore off her shirt. "LET ME GO!" Olivia screamed, hoping that someone would hear her. She felt so useless. She should have been able to protect herself; she was a special victims unit detective, for God's sake. "NO!! Let go of me!"

"Shut up, bitch," the man yelled, slapping her on the face. "Take off your pants," he told her.

"NO WAY!" Olivia screamed.

"Fine, I guess I'll have to do it the hard way," the man taunted. He kicked her to the ground and used the knife that he had retrieved from the ground when he had grabbed Olivia the second time to slice open her jeans. The knife was so sharp and jagged that it dug into her flesh, carving red lines into her legs. She was pretty sure the sick bastard was making the knife dig deep enough to draw blood instead of just cutting the pants off on purpose. Olivia was trembling. She knew what the inevitable was; he was going to rape her. He had her pinned down and she was trying to escape but he was stronger. She forced herself to look at his face and memorize his features (he had longish, dirty black hair, greenish-gray eyes, and pale skin) so she could identify him in a line-out once it was all over and the squad caught him, which she was sure they would. She would personally see to it that he never saw the light again. Plus, she thought to herself, trying to make herself feel better, she was a cop so the charges would be higher.

He would pay for what he was doing.

"Stop crying, bitch. No one's gonna find you, no one's gonna hear you," the bastard screamed. Olivia hadn't even noticed that she was crying but she couldn't stop. He whacked her on the chest and screamed, "I told you, shut up!"

He ripped her panties off and threw himself on top of her. Olivia felt sick. She thought she was going to throw up. He was touching her all over her breasts. He pushed her harder onto the ground and forced himself inside of her, going so far in that it tore the flesh. "No, no, please stop, please stop…" Olivia cried, and he slapped her on the stomach and slammed her onto the ground. He went out a little bit and slammed in harder and deeper. Olivia was squirming and trying to get free. She turned her head to the side. She didn't want to look; she didn't want this to be real. She just wanted it to stop.

But the sick bastard grabbed her face and yelled, "Look at me, bitch," and forced his lips onto her lips. Olivia spat at him. "I hate you, I hate you, stop, just leave me alone…"

After what felt like hours the bastard finally let go of her and shoved her against the dumpster. "Don't you dare tell anyone, or I'll kill you," he threatened, and ran way leaving her naked, alone, and shivering. Olivia couldn't stop the tears from falling; this wasn't supposed to happen to her…she wasn't supposed to be a victim; how had this happened? She thought she was strong. She thought she could defend herself, but obviously she was wrong. Olivia curled up into a ball and shivered, but then she came to her senses; she had to get up, go home and forget it happened.

She grabbed her ripped clothing and put it on. She hoped no one would see her as she was struggling to walk back to her apartment. She didn't want anyone to see the bruises and the blood and hell she didn't want anyone to know that she was raped.

Unfortunately she had to pass the precinct on her way home, and it turned out to be one of those nights where Elliot stayed at the precinct because he couldn't sleep and wanted to get more work done. Olivia had stayed until past two in the morning before. What time was it, even? 2 a.m.? 3 a.m.? Olivia had no clue.

She hoped that no one would see her but Elliot saw someone walking outside that looked like she had been attacked. He couldn't tell that it was Olivia from where he was sitting working on his paperwork, but he jumped up and ran to the door. When he ran outside he wasn't prepared for what he saw; it was Olivia, bloody and bruised. Her clothes were torn.

"What happened to you, Liv?" Elliot asked, concern growing in his eyes. He reached out to hug Olivia but Olivia trembled so Elliot instantly let go. "What happened, Liv?" He hoped that what it looked like happened wasn't what happened.

Olivia didn't want Elliot to see her like this. "I…I was raped," she said. Her voice was so small and fragile. Elliot wished that he had been there to protect her. Olivia didn't deserve it.

"I want to go home, El. I want to wash his filth off of me…" Olivia said, barely containing her tears.

"But…Liv….you need to be checked out, you might be injured, and besides….you need to have a…"

"No, no rape kit," Olivia insisted. "I just want to forget that it happened."

"Liv, how many victims have you told that they would feel better if they helped make sure the perp didn't touch anyone else?"

"I know, I know, but I just want to forget," Olivia whispered, shaking. "I know I have to," Olivia said. "Okay, okay, fine," she conceded.

TO BE CONTINUED….


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Thanks for the reviews

**A/N: Thanks for the reviews! Keep them coming; advice and suggestions would be cool but keep in mind I already have the entire plot I my head. Anyways I guess I'm rambling, so here's chapter 2….**

**Ch.2**

"I don't want anyone else to know, Elliot," Olivia told Elliot after the rape kit had been done and Olivia was discharged from the hospital.

"Liv…" Elliot started.

"No, El, please don't, please don't tell Cragen…or Munch or Fin. My job is everything to me….I don't want to lose it just because I couldn't defend myself."

"Why would you lose your job?" Elliot asked, shocked that his partner doubted herself so much. Elliot opened the door of his car.

"Because I couldn't defend myself. Because I wasn't as strong as I was supposed to be," Olivia murmured, stepping into the car, looking down.

"Nonsense, you're an excellent detective. You're not going to lose your job because of what happened to you. Anyone can become a victim, no matter who they are," Elliot said.

"DON'T," Olivia snapped, "ever call me a victim again." She decided that she wasn't going to let this control her. She wasn't going to let the bastard win. She at least wanted to know who he was so she knew who she should be pissed off at.

"I already called Cragen, anyways, Olivia," Elliot said.

"WHAT?!" Olivia screamed.

"And the hospital is forwarding the results of the rape kit to the precinct," Elliot said.

Of course Olivia wanted to press charges but she sure as hell did not want Elliot to decide for her whether or not she was going to press charges.

"I need to go back to my apartment and change before we go to the precinct," Olivia said. It was around 6 a.m., and both of their shifts were going to start in an hour or two.

"But…you haven't slept at all. You should stay home; Cragen would understand," Elliot said.

"No way, I'm fine," Olivia insisted.

Once Elliot dropped Olivia off at her apartment, Olivia rushed to the shower so she could wash off her rapist's filth. She felt safe in her bathroom, the door locked and hot water running. The hot water scalded her skin but she didn't care; it made her feel better. The physical pain washed the emotional pain away, at least for awhile. Olivia scrubbed her body raw with the white oval soap. She felt so dirty and she just wanted to feel clean again. After she finished washing up, Olivia turned the faucet off and stepped onto her fuzzy black floor mat, water dripping from her body. Shit, the bathroom was a mess now. The mirror was all fogged up from the shower steam.

Olivia wrapped a towel around her body and dried off. She sat down for a moment to process everything that had happened to her last night, and then she sighed and put on the jeans and shirt she had taken with her to the bathroom.

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**Later that morning, at the precinct**

John Munch was sitting at his desk drinking coffee preparing for the day to begin, hoping that he would be working a case instead of doing paperwork.

"Olivia," Cragen stepped out of the door, motioning Olivia to come into his office.

"Are you alright?" Cragen asked.

"So Elliot told you," Olivia said in a voice that was a little bit monotonous and a little bit sarcastic or maybe just tired. Cragen nodded. "I'm fine, really," Olivia nodded.

"You should go home. Rest, take the day off," Cragen offered.

"No way, I'm staying here and working the case and whatever other cases we get," Olivia insisted. Knowing that Olivia wouldn't give in, Cragen gave in. "Fine, you can stay, but remember, Huang is always available if you need to talk to someone."

"I do NOT need to talk to a shrink," Olivia insisted.

"I didn't say you had to," Cragen said. "Only if you need to."

"What was it?" John asked once Olivia walked out of the office.

"I'm surprised Elliot hasn't told you yet. He sure hurried to tell Cragen even though I told him not to tell anyone," Olivia said.

"What is it? You and Elliot finally woke up and finally slept together?" John joked.

"Shut up, Munch," Olivia teased back. "I do not love Elliot like that."

"If you insist," John said, not really trying to suppress his laughter.

All of the members of the squad jumped up when the phone rang. Olivia answered the phone. "Benson. Manhattan Special Victims Unit," she said in a professional voice.

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The phone call ended up being from someone who found a naked dead body. The SVU squad got a trace for the phone and located the location the body had been dumped.

"Elliot and Olivia, you guys can take this case," Cragen said. "John and Fin, I have another case for the two of you to work on."

"We're on our way, captain," Elliot said.

"What's our case, cap?" John asked Cragen, hoping that he could find some conspiracy-theory angle to tease the whole squad with.

"I'll tell you both once Elliot and Olivia leave," Cragen said.

Olivia was confused at first but then he realized that Cragen must be referring to the currently unidentified perp who raped her. She wanted to be the one who tracked him down and put him behind bars. _She _wanted to take the case.

There wasn't time to waste, though. There was a crime scene to inspect, and that was more important. Later, she would try to convince her fellow officers to let her be involved in tracking down her own rapist.

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**At the Crime Scene**

The body was covered in blood. The bruises decorating the corpse's face made the body unrecognizable, and seeing as the body was half naked, there was a good possibility that the victim had been raped and tortured before being murdered.

The detectives gathered samples of the blood and put it in a secure container to have it analyzed for DNA. The body was going to be sent to the crime lab in order to determine cause of death.

"It looked like she was beaten to death by some sort of bludgeon," Olivia noted. Turning to the man who had found the body, Olivia asked, "Did you notice anything unusual? Were there any people lurking around the corner that looked even the slightest bit suspicious?"

"Um, no, I didn't see anything," the man said. "I, I just found the body."

"Alright, that's all we need for now," Elliot said, after getting the witness's information. "But we might need you to testify in court eventually."

The man nodded. "I understand," he said.

"Let's go," Olivia said to Elliot.

Olivia and Elliot drove back to the precinct, looking back wondering if their witness was at all involved, analyzing his facial features and his body movements and finally deciding that he probably wasn't involved.

Their day was just beginning.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

There is no way to stop the tears when they come. It is always sad when someone has to die, when there are casualties to an unspoken, invisible war. There always has been a thin line between good and evil – a thin line between love and hate. Violence lives and grows in the hearts of too many men, the once bright light festering from the hatred of an abusive past. It does not live on. It is sad, how many of the abused turn into the abuser. It almost makes it unfair, ironic. But evil needs to be stopped, at any cost.

"I'm helping with the case," Olivia said.

"You're the victim, Liv," Elliot said.

"I'm _not _a victim," Olivia insisted. Nothing could shatter the silence. Olivia stared at a frail daisy growing in the small patch of grass in front of Elliot's apartment. It was amazing how such a delicate form of life could linger on, despite the urban atmosphere and all of the smoke and gasoline and of course all of the chaos that was the inevitable sequel to murder and abduction and rape. "Do they all know?" Olivia asked.

"Yes," Elliot said.

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**Back at the precinct**

"Melinda called. They ran the DNA from the rape kit. We're running it through the system now to see if there are any matches," Munch said to Cragen.

"I can't believe it," Munch said. "I just can't believe it…..Olivia, our strong, stubborn Olivia, raped. How could it have come to that?" Munch wiped away his tears. He didn't usually cry, but Olivia was like a little sister to him. She knew that she would try to pull off a tough act but he wished that she would just admit that it affected her.

"She's strong. She's going to be alright," Fin said, walking through the door.

Munch nodded. She would be.

The door opened, and who else was it but Elliot and Olivia.

"Did you find anything yet?" Olivia asked. She didn't break. She wasn't even fragile. She walked right over to the computer and didn't even blink, didn't even shed a tear, didn't even stagger. She expected to be a part of the investigation, and, knowing her, she would probably get her way. Before anyone said anything, Olivia said, "I know what you're all thinking, that I shouldn't be involved, but I need to be involved. I need to find him." The unspoken words filled the room with an unforgettable silence. The precinct was a balloon filled with too much air, and it would pop unless you just deflated it a little bit, because no one wanted to admit the truth, Olivia Benson was raped. They all knew that she wanted to 

just walk back in there and pretend that everything was normal, and they were so tempted to let her, because if Olivia could fall apart, then what would happen to the rest of them?

Her unbridled passion was what made her one of the best cops in New York. She was strong and she was a fighter.

"You shouldn't be involved," Elliot said, shaking his head.

"You're the victim," Fin said, agreeing with Elliot.

Olivia shook her head. "I'm not a victim. A crime was committed against me, but I'm not a victim. And I'm working this case." She had to. It was the only way that she could survive with what he did to her. She refused to believe that she really was incapable. She refused to believe that the tide could turn so quickly and she never thought she would become a victim. She thought back to her past, a dark life with an angry, drunk mother chasing after her with jagged edges of a broken bottle of vodka. The images were spinning around and around in her head. It was all too much to bear. She had sworn that she would never be abused again. She couldn't take the fact that her mother really didn't love her; that she wasn't strong enough to love unconditionally the product of her rape. Olivia wanted to believe that if she was pregnant, she wouldn't become her mother. She had taken the morning after pill, but even the thought of the possibility of becoming her mother had scared her practically to death.

Cragen spoke up. "You can work on the case as long as you agree to talk to Huang."

Reluctantly, Olivia agreed. "Fine, I'll talk to Huang." She stared at the ceiling, and then asked her next question. "Well? Was his DNA in the system?"

Munch shook his head. "No. It wasn't."

"Do you know if there was anyone that might have had a grudge against you?" Elliot asked.

"Not really. I mean, if it was someone that I arrested, then his DNA would have been in the system, right?" Olivia said.

"She's right," Munch said. "Olivia, can you describe his features to a sketch artist?"

Olivia breathed in. "Yeah," she said.

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**With the sketch artist**

"Can you describe his facial features? Eyes, hair, et cetera?"

"He had dark brown hair, long but not that long. He had grayish-green eyes and pale skin. He was tall," Olivia said.

When the sketch artist finished drawing, he showed Olivia the picture. "Does that look like him?" he asked.

It looked exactly like him. Olivia gripped the handles of her chair tightly. "Yes. It's him," She said.

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"Where did it happen?" Elliot asked.

"I was walking out of a bar and I stopped to sit on a curb. He dragged me to a nearby ally," Olivia said.

"Alright, let's go back to the bar and show the picture to the bartender. Maybe he'll recognize the perp," Elliot said.

"Sounds like a plan," Olivia said. "But stop staring at my butt."

"I'm not," Elliot insisted, but he was lying.

"Whatever," Olivia said.

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**At the bar**

"Have you seen this man?" Olivia asked the bartender, flashing her badge.

The bartender nodded. "Yeah. He's in here all the time," he said.

"Do you know his name?" Olivia asked.

"Yeah. Darren Richards," the bartender said.

"Do you have any receipts that might have a phone number or address we could contact him at?" Elliot asked.

"Yeah, sure, let me go check. Just out of curiosity, what did he do this time?" the bartender asked.

"He raped someone," Olivia said.

"Who?" the bartender asked.

"It's not important," Olivia said. "Just get us the receipts."

"Okay, okay," the bartender asked. A couple minutes later he handed Olivia a pile of receipts.

"Thank you," Elliot said.

Sure enough, the receipt revealed Darren's home address. "We don't have enough evidence to arrest him. We need a DNA sample," Olivia said.

"We'll figure it out," Elliot assured her.

"I hope you're right," Olivia said, walking into the precinct and sitting at her desk. "I'm going to get some paperwork done." She closed her eyes for a second and thought about everything that happened. It was just tough luck that it happened, but it didn't really make any difference. _Little did she know it would make a huge difference, once she finally learned who he really was and the details of his shadowy, unfortunate past. Would she be able to handle it, or would she finally crack?_


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: **_**I don't own any of the characters except for Darren and Hanna.**_

**Chapter 4**

_She was soaked in sweat. Adrenaline kept her moving, and she kept running. He was after her. She felt his hands touching her naked body. "Stop! Stop!" She was kicking her legs. Screaming. Watching her blood soak the gravel on the road. She was surprised she wasn't dead. "Don't kill me…!"_

Olivia woke up from her nightmare. This was the second nightmare she had since her attack, and she hoped that they would stop soon. But she didn't need to let them get to her, just like she didn't need to let Darren Richards get to her. That would be just like letting him win. And there was no way in hell that she was going to let him win.

Olivia sat up in bed, realizing that it was 3:00 a.m. in the morning when she leaned over to look at her alarm clock. The case about the woman who was bludgeoned to death, now identified to be Stacy McDaniel, was bothering her. She realized that she could have been killed. 'No, I wouldn't have let it get that far. I'm trained in self-defense,' Olivia reminded herself.

She was awake now, though, and she didn't think that she would be able to fall back asleep. She stood up and stretched her arms, walking over to the kitchen to pour herself a glass of lemonade. Standing at her counter and staring out her window into the deep, dark abyss, Olivia wondered why things happened the way they did and wondered if some things happen for a reason. Sometimes, there was more to a case than could be easily seen on the surface. There were some emotions that Olivia was feeling that she couldn't even admit that she was feeling, but they were there, lingering underneath her shell, just waiting for the right moment to stick their little heads above the surface and finally be able to breathe the free air.

She knew what she had to do to get Darren out of her head. She needed to know why he raped her. So she went to her room and brought her laptop out to her kitchen table. She wasn't going to stalk him exactly; she was an officer of the law and she knew better. All she was going to do was look him up online and try to find out why he did what he did. In most cases, arresting the perp was enough. But this wasn't most cases, this was _her_ case. And more than anything else, if she ever wanted any sort of closure at all, Olivia needed to know _why_.

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**Darren's POV**

He stood in the darkness of his apartment, thinking back to a time before his mother had shot his father and then offed herself with the last bullet. He had been only fifteen then, and his sister, Hanna, had only been five. She was so young, so innocent. She deserved to have a mother and a father. Darren had tried to take care of Hanna the best he could, but he had only been a teenager. He quit school and got a job at a coffee shop to work full-time to provide for his sister. He fell in love with poetry, and for a while everything was alright. The rejection letters hadn't bothered him, because soon enough Darren improved his writing and acceptance letters started coming. Eventually, Darren had earned enough 

money to rent an apartment so Hanna didn't have to live the terrible life of a homeless runaway. He made sure she went to elementary school – he went with her in a cab to make sure she was alright.

But then a tragedy stroke when Hanna was only ten. The cab crashed, and although Darren survived without much more than a broken leg and a concussion, Hanna didn't survive. Darren was devastated. He had no reason to live anymore. He was weak. He was incapable of anything. The worst thing was, his mother's suicide had scarred him so deeply that he couldn't even think of killing himself. So he sold his apartment and became a rogue, wandering from town to town and sleeping behind dumpsters. He still wrote poetry, so he had money, but he couldn't bear the thought of living in an apartment or any comfortable house when Hanna was dead. He would do anything to bring her back, even sacrifice his own life.

As the years went by, slowly Darren's outer shell hardened and he built up walls to protect him from the cruelness of reality. He buried his emotions, and eventually he forgot that they were even there. He forgot how to feel, and he forgot how to think about others. His depression worsened and he turned to alcohol and prostitutes. But poetry was still the only thing that really sustained him. Poetry was to Darren like blood was to vampires.

He was drunk that night. He could say that he was out of control and that he didn't know what he was doing, but then he would be lying. He didn't want to think that he had become his father, the gruff man who had abused his mother for years before his mother killed his father and herself. It scared him that he was becoming his father. If he couldn't kill himself when his sister died, he sure as hell wanted to now. He couldn't take it that he had hurt someone, taken something from someone that he knew he could never give back. He wanted to kill himself. He wanted to turn back time. He even considered turning himself in.

He couldn't stop thinking about how beautiful she was. He couldn't get the image of her wide, shocked brown eyes out of his head. Something had fallen out of her pocket the night he attacked her. It was a receipt or something that said her name: Olivia Benson.

He had an apartment now. By age thirty he had given up living on the streets. He couldn't take it anymore, not that he cared. He lived in a small one-floor apartment, but he still slept in the streets sometimes. His eyes were the alert eyes of a vigilante when he wasn't drunk. Whenever he saw a little girl pass by, scared and alone, he thought of little Hanna and wanted to protect her from all of the heartless bastards that were out there.

But now he had become one of them. 'What have I done?' he thought, not bothering to wipe the tears that rolled down his cheek. His emotions were resurfacing and he wanted to protest but it felt like a volcano was exploded, and once the lava started its vicious path of destruction the only thing you could do was watch with wide, fearful eyes. 'What have I become?' He reached for a banana peel lying on the ground and threw it into the dumpster and thought about killing himself again.

Or he could just stop drinking. He didn't want to be a monster. He didn't want to hurt anyone again. But he didn't know if he could stop drinking. Darren didn't know if he was strong enough. He didn't know if there were enough pieces left of the man he was before his precious sister died.

It started raining, the whole thing: thunder, lightning, cruel raindrops. Darren listened to the thunder echoing the lightning and sat down by the dumpster and listened to the sound of the rain's pointless catch and release. He stood up and stared at the moon for what seemed like hours. The moon was so small that it seemed like it was invisible – a ghost of reality, a sliver of humanity that was struggling to resurface despite the grim darkness overcoming Darren's body and spreading through his veins like a disease. Then he went home and turned on his laptop and wrote poetry.

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**Olivia's POV; at the precinct the next day**

Olivia was groggy, having been up since 3 a.m. She sat at her desk working on the last of the paperwork for the Stacy McDaniel case, which had been pretty much straightforward and easy to solve.

"You look horrible," Elliot said, reminding Olivia of what Legolas had said to Aragorn after Aragorn narrowly escaped death. Lord of the Rings was Olivia's favorite novel. She thought of her favorite quote:

_Aragorn: "You have some skill with a blade." _

_Eowyn: "The women of this land learned long ago, that those without swords can still die upon them. I fear neither death nor pain." _

_Aragorn: "What do you fear, my Lady?" _

_Eowyn: "A cage. To be kept behind bars until use and old age accept them, and all chance of valor has gone beyond recall or desire." _

_Aragorn: "You are a daughter of Kings, a shieldmaiden of Rohan, I do not think that will be your fate."_

"I couldn't sleep," Olivia said. "But I'm fine." She hadn't found out that much out about Darren Richards, except that fifteen or so years ago a Hanna Richards died in a car accident.

Olivia thought about why she did what she did. Words of encouragement Sam had given to Frodo near the end of his journey perfectly described the reason Olivia worked days and night to get evil murderers and rapists off the street.

_Frodo: "I can't do this, Sam." _

_Sam: "I know. It's all wrong. By rights we shouldn't even be here. But we are. It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo, the ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger they were. 'Cause sometimes you didn't want to know the end because how could the end be happy? How can the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end it's only a passing thing. A shadow even _

_darkness must pass. A new day will come and when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you, that meant something even if you were to small to understand why. But I think Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folks in those stories had lots of chances in turning back only they didn't. They kept going because they were holding onto to something." _

_Frodo: "What are we holding onto, Sam?"_

_Sam: "That there's some good left in this world, Mr. Frodo, and it's worth fighting for."_

What was Olivia fighting for? Peace, justice, an end to crime? Would it ever really come to that? If only it really could be that simple, that all of the evil in the world could be held in one small golden ring, and the only thing that needed to be done to destroy evil forever, banishing it from the face of the universe, was to destroy it by casting it into hellish flames. _If only._

No, the real world was more complicated. But just like Frodo had been, Olivia was willing to sacrifice herself for humanity if it ever came to that.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: someone pointed out to me that b/c she knows his name she can't ID him; that's not necessarily true b/c she hasn't seen him since he attacked her. I know it's a stretch, but work with it, ok? Also, something for you all to think about: the title & what it could mean. Also, disclaimer: I don't own SVU and I don't own any of the songs I'm using in the later chapters. Also, I'm sorry this chapter is short but I'm busy packing to leave for college so I don't have that much time but didn't want to keep you guys waiting too long. The next chapter will be longer, I promise. Anyways, on with the story…………**

**Chapter 5**

**Olivia's POV**

The tears wouldn't come, no matter how hard she tried to force them. Olivia wanted to let herself cry, even alone in the bathroom stall, but she couldn't. Her emotions were trapped inside. She was sick of this. She was sick of the pain and it hadn't even been a week. Olivia flushed the toilet and slowly walked back to her desk. The day wasn't over. No, the day was far from over.

"How are you holding up, Liv?" Elliot asked.

"I've been better," Olivia said, sitting down and staring at a stack of paperwork.

"Have you talked to Huang yet?" Elliot asked.

"I'll get to it," Olivia said, sighing. She didn't get the point, though. She understood, of course, why it would make sense to talk to someone. But that would make it real. And truth is stranger than fiction, sometimes.

"You promise?" Elliot asked.

"I promise," Olivia said.

**Hanna's POV (A/N: kind of like third person, b/c she's dead, but kind of like she's observing from heaven)**

_I watch and I wonder why there are so many gray areas now - so many more than I remember from when I was alive. I wish I could say that the world must have changed, but I was only ten years old when I died, so it must be that I never really saw the world for what it really was. Naïve isn't exactly the right word, although I was naïve. No, I think a better word is…..no, let me phrase it a different way. I understood the world in simple ways: there was light and there was dark and there was wrong and there was right and there was ugly and there was beautiful but my child's eyes did not have the capacity to realize that there were also in-betweens. I thought mom and dad loved each other so much. There was so much passion in their fights. But that love quickly, easily turned to hatred, and then they were both just dead. Dead, gone. Darren was the only person I had left. Well, now I guess I understand: hate is love, and love is hate. The whole thing is one big interchangeable, tangled mess. Why doesn't Darren understand that I want him to live life, not blame himself for not dying instead of me? He's screwed over now, though. _

_I tried to send him signs when he started drinking. I would come to him in his dreams and tell him that I loved him. Maybe that just made things worse? I hope it didn't. When he was walking on the streets, he probably didn't hear me, as cynical as he is, but I would whisper into his ears how amazing his poetry was and how lucky I was to be his little sister. I told him that yes, there was a heaven and I'm happier now anyways so please don't blame yourself._

_But I was helpless – Darren spiraled downwards all the same. And now he went and destroyed another woman's life. Mom and dad never told Darren, but before they started fighting, __**I**__ was raped. I was only three years old, and don't even remember it that much except that now I'm in heaven and I have all of my memories back, even the memories from way back when I was in Mom's womb. Who would rape a three-year-old? Who could be so evil, so heartless, so uncaring? Neither of them ever told Darren. If they had, I don't think Darren would have raped Olivia. I don't think he would have been able to. Because you see, not only can I see the events that happen down on Earth, but I can read the minds of all of the living humans down there. Darren loved me more than anything. Maybe I should tell him what happened to me. But he doesn't believe in angels anyway, and he doesn't believe in heaven, so he wouldn't hear me. I don't think he ever received any of my messages. Hopefully, I am wrong. Hopefully. I want there to still be hope for Darren. But I think that he is too lost to be saved. No one is strong enough to save him._

_Right now I am watching over the special victim's unit squad. I am relieved that Olivia finally talked to Huang. I know it was wrong for me to do this, but I listened in on their conversation. I know I shouldn't have, but I'm already dead so I don't have to follow the laws anyways so it doesn't matter. I can't exactly tell you exactly what happened in the cool Chinese guy's office because that would be violating doctor-patient privilege, but I can tell you that Olivia finally let herself cry. I know from experience that that is the only way that she will ever be able to heal._

_So, they have the DNA. Soon Olivia will be able to ID Darren. I know I shouldn't be happy, but I am. I want them to find him. Maybe then he can get the help that he needs._

_I admire Olivia for her strength. I am watching as SVU gets more and more cases, and Olivia doesn't look like she is anywhere near breaking down. Maybe that's because she talked to Huang. Or maybe it's because she has Elliot. I can tell that Elliot is like the brother she never had. Well, never used to have. But Simon is her half-brother, not her full-brother. And you know, the apple doesn't fall very fall from the tree. Or maybe it does. I guess I don't really know. Simon's an okay dude. He's not perfect but he's okay, and I'm glad Olivia has Simon and Elliot._

**To Be Continued….**


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: I don't own the two songs I'm using, Hoobastank and Linkin Park does

**Disclaimer: I don't own the two songs I'm using, Hoobastank and Linkin Park does.**

**Chapter 6**

They were coming closer to finding Darren. After finding out that Darren had no family, Munch and Fin turned to questioning anyone who might have seen him. Questioning a sister or a parent would have been more effective, though. New York City was an easy city to get lost in. But it was also an easy place to get found in.

"What about the superintendent of his apartment?" Munch asked. "Surely he'll know something."

"Let's check it out," Fin said, and they were on it.

Munch drove as fast as he could without going over the speed limit; he wanted to kill the bastard that raped Olivia. Well, maybe that was an exaggeration. The bastard didn't deserve to take the easy way out and die. Munch wanted Darren to rot in jail.

"We're here," Fin said, pulling up into a parking spot in front of a rangy, old, warn-out building that looked like it would collapse any second.

"I'm surprised this building hasn't been condemned," Munch remarked dryly.

The inside of the building wasn't that much better. The carpeted hallway stank with mildew and rotten fish. There were green spots on the carpet that were unmistaken able as mold. Who would even want to live in a place like this? Munch plugged his nose.

Soon they found the office of the superintendent.

A blonde, avant-garde looking man was sitting on a cold metal chair in his office. He looked like he was half-asleep. "Have you seen this man?" Fin asked, holding up the picture of Darren.

"Oh yeah, he lives here. Yeah. Yeah," the superintendent said.

"Do you know where we can find him?" Munch asked.

"What sort of trouble is he in this time?" the superintendent asked.

"Do you know where we can find him?" Munch asked again.

"Yeah, yeah. He spends a lot of time out at the harbor writing in some notebook. Poetry, I think," the superintendent said.

"Do you think he's there now?" Fin asked.

"I wouldn't be surprised," the superintendent said. "He practically lives there."

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

**Darren's POV (at the harbor)**

Darren stood at the edge of the wooden plank, staring out into the pale blue sky and trying to forget everything that he had become. He knew that he was wrong, and he just wanted a chance to make it right. The water looked so cold and inviting; it was so tempting, the idea of slipping into a dark pit of oblivion. Drowning couldn't be too bad. He deserved it. It wasn't that he was a coward, though. Two wrongs didn't make a right, Darren knew that, and he also knew that suicide was wrong. But it was so tempting.

_In this farewell_

_There's no blood_

_There's no alibi_

'_Cause I've drawn regret_

_From the truth_

_Of a thousand lies_

Darren sat down and took off his shoes, dangling his bare feet in the water. It would be so easy, to just give up, to turn his soul over to eternal damnation. It would be so easy. But there were some things he needed to do first.

_So let mercy come_

_And wash away_

_What I've done_

He heard the sound of footsteps from behind. He knew who it was. He knew that the police would eventually find him…it was only a matter of time.

_I'll face myself_

_To cross out what I've become_

_Erase myself_

_And let go of what I've done_

"Darren Richards, you are under arrest for the rape of an officer."

_Put to rest_

_What you thought of me_

_While I clean this slate_

_With the hands of uncertainty_

Darren would have gone with them willingly, but the two detectives cuffed him. It was too late; it was too late to kill himself. He had already turned into his father, though….he didn't need to turn into his mother as well.

_So let mercy come_

_And wash away_

_What I've done_

He stood in the line-up, waiting for what he knew what his fate. He didn't expect mercy; he didn't expect anything. He almost wished that he had killed someone so they would give him the death penalty. _Almost._ He thought he felt someone touch him on the shoulder; some sort of invisible hand. For a second he could swear he could hear Hanna's voice. "Tell her you're sorry. Tell her you love her."

What? He was sorry, but what made Hanna think that he loved her? Wait a minute, Hanna was _dead_; he must be going insane. The dead can't talk. Well, what about those dreams that he had been having? 'Those weren't real,' Darren told himself. 'They were just wishful thinking. The dead can't communicate with the living. Can they?'

Could they? And if Hanna could, then what did she mean? The emotions he was feeling were just guilt, right? There wasn't anything more. There couldn't be, right? 'I must be going crazy,' Darren thought. 'Hanna, can you hear me?' Darren thought.

_I'll face myself_

_To cross out what I've become_

_Erase myself_

_And let go of what I've done_

An officer came in the small room and escorted him out of the room. Olivia had ID him.

_For what I've done_

_I start again_

_And whatever pain may come_

_Today this ends_

_I'm forgiving what I've done._

He just wanted a chance to talk to her. He wanted a chance to apologize.

_I'll face myself_

_To cross out what I've become_

_Erase myself_

_And let go of what I've done_

**To be continued….**


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N:**** I know it took me a long time to update, but I didn't want to rush this chapter. I wanted to think it out because I think this will be a critical chapter that will either make or break the story. I don't want to leave out any of the emotions. Plus, I just started college, so I haven't really had much time.**

**Chapter 7**

"We got him," Fin told Olivia. "We just need you to ID him."

"But I know his name," Olivia said. "How would that work?"

"Have you seen him since the attack?" Fin asked.

"No," Olivia said.

"Then it would work. No one even knows you were helping with the case – it was unofficial," Fin said.

Olivia hesitated. For some reason, it seemed wrong. She knew his name. She could have easily looked up his name and found a picture of him online, even though she _didn't_. Any decent defense attorney would figure out what really went down, tear the case apart, and Darren would be out on the streets again, free to rape other women.

"You know it wouldn't work, Fin," Olivia said. "The defense attorney would do some digging and destroy the case. You know it."

And they both did know it. The inevitable truth was unavoidable: Olivia's stubbornness had destroyed her own case.

"Elliot's interrogating Darren right now," Fin reassured Olivia. "Who knows, we might get a confession."

"I doubt it," Olivia said, her voice seeping with a heavy dose of cynicism.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

As much as she didn't want to, as much as she was afraid, Olivia listened in from the outside of the window. A part of her was relieved that this was going to be over soon, that Darren would be behind bars. Inside she was shaking – she was repulsed by the fact that she had let herself become a victim. It wasn't supposed to happen. It wasn't supposed to happen.

Olivia was glad that Elliot was the one questioning Darren. She almost wished Elliot would lose his patience and attack Darren, maybe even kill Darren, but Olivia didn't want Elliot to sacrifice himself for her measly sake.

At first, he seemed like any other perp, any other heartless bastard, any other cold vagabond. Olivia tried to be objective as she listened from the outside looking in. She forced her ears into their alert, unemotional detective mode. It wasn't easy. It wasn't easy at all, but Olivia managed, because she refused to be a victim.

"Where were you at approximately 11:50 pm Monday night?" Olivia heard Elliot ask. Olivia was sure that the perp was going to lie. She studied Elliot's face for any sign of anger, any sign of breaking down. Then she looked at Darren's face. Darren, the heartless bastard. Darren, the man who raped her. And she was surprised by what she saw. His eyes were beat red, and there were tears falling down his face. Suddenly Olivia was pissed as hell. What right did Darren have to be upset?! What right did he have to be crying?! _He_ was the one who attacked _her_, for God's sake!! She felt like running into the room and punching him, killing him, destroying him, but for one, that would ruin the case. Besides, Darren wasn't worth it. Olivia was a cop, not a vigilante. Revenge was not the right path to justice.

Olivia was so pissed that she didn't even feel her own desolation. She didn't even notice a small, tiny tear escaping her blue eyes. To most people, it would have been invisible. It would have been invisible. It was invisible to Olivia herself.

And then all hell broke loose. The door of the interrogation room burst open in a sudden flame of fiery rage. Or, at least, it seemed like rage to Olivia. Whatever happened, it all happened so quickly, that no one really knew _what _exactly happened. Elliot tried to stop Darren from running out of the small room, sure, but Darren was quicker.

**Darren's POV**

He couldn't take it anymore. He couldn't swallow his words; he couldn't swallow his emotions. Suddenly, it was as if he were deaf. He saw the man sitting in front of him, who called himself Elliot move his lips up and down, but no words came out. No words came out.

Darren's eyes were glued open. He had no choice – he had to stand up. He had to run out of the room and bang his head into the door. The room was just way too small. The four walls were staring at him. The tile floor was bouncing up and down. He could see Hanna's eyes in every single line that divided the pale square tiles. It was horrible.

And then he saw her again. Olivia, the woman he destroyed. He couldn't take it. He couldn't take what it is that he had done. His head was spinning. His head was a windmill on a snowy day. He was sorry. He was frightened. He was ashamed. He wanted to make up for it, somehow, if it was at all possible. _It wasn't_. He was….he was looking at the face of a fallen angel that was still standing, strong as ever, strong as ever….

…And it happened so quickly. Darren heard a livid voice scream, and suddenly he felt someone kick him in the chest…too bad he didn't choose more carefully, too bad Olivia was an expert in karate and self-defense, and, of course, a cop…

…And then his world went black.

**Olivia's POV**

When she saw him, Darren, the man who raped her, the man who turned her into her mother, at first her body trembled. But it was only a natural response. But in no shape or form was Olivia Benson a 

victim. In a millisecond Olivia's fear transformed into passionate rage. The grimy smell of banana peels, the wild hair, and those wide eyes…it all came to her. Suddenly all of the nightmares that she had been having were real; she was facing Darren again, only this time she sure as hell was not going to be the victim. When she kicked him, it was almost as if her soul was outside of her body, watching helplessly as a torn woman tried to take back what she would never, ever be able to take back.

She felt Elliot pull her away. She heard his calm but stern voice telling her that it wasn't worth it. She saw Darren fall to the ground, partially unconscious. And then, she was back in her body. She saw what she had done. And for some weird, uncanny reason that she would never in a million years be able to explain, she almost felt sorry for him. She expected his closed eyes to be the closed eyes of a fallen monster, but…

….But he wasn't a monter. How could she tell? How, after everything that she had been through, everything that he had done to her, could she tell? Maybe it was instinct. Maybe it was because she had almost killed him and she hated murderers. Maybe it was because he didn't look like most rapists. _What?_ Anyone can commit a crime. Anyone can be a rapist.

But that lasted not that much longer than five minutes. As soon as Darren was out of site, Olivia was angry again, angry and torn and fallen, but still standing strong and doing her job and helping others…_like her_…find a way to survive.

**Hanna's POV**

Once something starts, once the wheel is pushed into motion, none of the passengers can jump out of the car. It is too late. Even if they wanted to turn back, it would be impossible. 'Technically, I started it,' Hanna thought, feeling guilty, but then she remembered that the only reason she had chosen to play the dead matchmaker was because, as an angel, she could see into the future.

She knew that Elliot was going to find out about Darren's little sister. She knew that Elliot was going to accuse Darren of raping her, Hanna, but Darren never would have done that. Well, he raped Olivia, but that was years later, many years later. Darren was the perfect older brother. He dropped out of school and got a job so she didn't have to be homeless, and he made sure that she went to school and didn't go hungry.

No one is born evil. Actions can be "evil", but people can't. What is evil, anyways? If there is only one creator that created everything, then if "evil" really existed as a second substance along with "good", then God must have created evil, which He surely didn't. No, God created free will (because who would want to have a God that wouldn't give His people the gift of free will?). "Evil" is really just the absence of good. Evil is the result of a bad choice, but doesn't exist in as itself.

Hanna watched it happen. She watched Olivia kick her brother. She watched Darren fall to the ground. She felt Olivia's rage, and seconds later, she saw Olivia's tears. She saw Olivia run out of the room. She saw the paramedics and the guards taking Darren to a hospital. She knew that Darren wasn't dead; otherwise she would feel his presence. He would be right here with her. Or maybe he wouldn't. Maybe 

he would be…well, Hanna didn't even want to say it. It was too outrageous, too disturbing, that her only brother, that her beloved brother, would burn forever.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

**The Next Day**

Elliot and Olivia were sitting at their computers trying desperately to find any background information on Darren that would make their case against Darren a more solid case. What they found out was definitely disturbing:

Darren's father abused Darren's mother. Darren's mother killed Darren's father. Darren's mother committed suicide. Darren's sister, Hanna, was raped when she was three.

**Elliot's POV**

Elliot was pissed. He skipped past all of the information about Darren's lousy past that might lead him to be merciful towards any other perp, but this bastard raped the woman he loved as a sister. And what stuck out to him was the fact that Darren's little sister was raped. Elliot didn't think about the fact that Darren must have only been a little kid himself when Hanna was raped, and probably didn't even know about the attack because parents, especially uncontrolled parents, usually don't divulge that sort of information to their youngsters. Elliot didn't think about that. His rage was uncontrollable, and the detective in his eyes jumped to the conclusion that Darren must have raped Hanna.

Not that they could charge him for that case. Hanna's rape had occurred way too long ago. It was a case that had never been solved, and never could be now. Besides the fact that the victim was long dead, the time limit for trying a case had long passed.

He accused Darren of it anyways. He had to. He didn't know what the consequences of his words would be. How could he? How could he have ever have imagined such a thing?

**Darren's POV (kind of)**

The detectives had gone to question him in the hospital. Elliot and Olivia. Elliot delivering the new information on a poison platter. A silver platter. A gold platter. The words were foreign, no matter what kind of platter they were sitting on. To Darren, it was like Elliot was speaking Chinese. He couldn't understand what Elliot was saying. What? His precious little sister was raped when she was three? Hanna was raped when she was three? And he was being accused of it?

He wasn't surprised, really, that they would accuse him. After all, he had raped Olivia. But he didn't rape Hanna. He was just a kid then. He had barely even known what sex even was when Hanna was three.

"I didn't," Darren said. His voice was a whisper, if that. "I didn't rape Hanna."

"But you did rape me," Olivia said. "And we can prove that."

"I'm sorry," Darren said.

**Olivia's POV (kind of)**

Most rapists didn't apologize. Most rapists denied their actions. And here Darren was, lying in a hospital bed, practically giving them a confession on a silver platter. Did "I'm sorry" count as a confession? Did it?

But there were more important questions. There were matters more grave; matters more crucial. Did he _mean_ it? Was he really sorry?

Olivia thought about all that she had read online, all that Darren had been through as a teenager, all that Darren had been through as a young adult. What she didn't get was this: why would a man who _chose_ to sleep on the streets (even though he had enough money for an apartment) – a man who wrote poetry – rape her?

Elliot had stopped when he read about Hanna's rape, but Olivia had read on. She found Darren's poetry. And as notorious as that saying, "actions speak louder than words", was, Olivia couldn't help but wonder. Who was this man, this Darren, this man who raped her? Was he the same man he was on the night he raped her, or was that not him at all?

He said that he was drunk. He said that he didn't mean to. But of course he meant to. That is the fucking definition of the crime. He meant to. Was it him, or was some evil spirit possessing his soul?

'Stop being crazy,' Olivia told herself. She wanted to punch Darren again. She wanted to let her anger start boiling so she could get these eerie emotions out of her skull. Now. She needed to get rid of them NOW.

She didn't, of course. She didn't punch him. She just stood there and pretended he was just any ordinary perp. And she did her job, because that was what she was born to do.

**To Be Continued….**


	8. Chapter 8

_**A/N: this chapter will shock you, not b/c of my plan for the plot, but b/c of other things that I use more in my stories for Life With Derek. But abide with me. Let's just agree to disagree, ok?**_

_What, then, does one make of destruction? Is it a natural state of being? Or is it something that can be reversed?_

**Chapter 8**

The next day Olivia was sitting at her desk with a stack of paperwork that seemed to go on and on forever. The one thing Olivia hated about paperwork was that there was always room to think. Running back and forth on cases, being on stake-outs, even questioning perps – there wasn't time to actually reflect on _your_ life.

She pretended that everything was normal. New cases would come. Her case was just a case like any other case – it wasn't the end of the world. There were worse things that could have happened, after all. She could have been killed. That _would_ have been worse, right? Would it have been worse? Or would it have been better? Olivia wished that her rapist had remained nameless…nameless and semi-faceless. Then it would be easier to ignore the blatant truth. But the way it presented itself, the truth was unavoidable.

"Are you alright, Liv?" Elliot asked.

"I'm fine," Olivia said, but that was just her usual response – it didn't mean that it was the truth.

She wasn't fine. Her hair was a mess. She had gray circles under her eyes because whenever she fell asleep she had nightmares and that was something she just couldn't handle right now. She had ended up showing up at work around 4:30 a.m., which was early even for her.

"Why were you here so early?" Elliot asked.

Wasn't it obvious? "No reason," Olivia shrugged.

The case was coming to no ends. They were at the point where they had solved all of the cases they currently had except for Olivia's case, which was slightly ironic. The funny thing was, though, Olivia didn't really know if she even wanted to press charges. And the fact that she was even having _any _sort of mixed feelings at all freaked the hell out of her. Olivia shook her head, momentarily forgetting that there were other people in the building. 'No,' she said herself. 'I know better.' She knew better. She could convince herself that she knew better.

The case was already shitted up, anyways. It wasn't like Casey would be able to convict Darren, anyways. Too many mistakes had already been made. Any decent defense attorney would have Darren's "confession" thrown out.

Finally, another case was called in. A six year old girl had been abducted. Eerily, the girl's mother's name was Hannah. Now, Hannah was a popular name, so it didn't mean anything, right? But what if Darren's sister hadn't died, but just pretended to? What if? Really, there were just too many mistakes in the world.

Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

The mother of the missing child was sitting on a bench in the precinct. It was obvious that she had been crying - her eyes were red and puff.

"Could you describe your child one more time, Miss…" Elliot asked.

"Lin," Hannah said when she realized she hadn't even told the detectives her last name.

"Anyways," Hannah Jaspers continued, "She was short, tall, brown eyes, black hair, skinny. Not your typical six years old, but then again, she's half-Chinese, so it probably won't be that hard to find her." Hannah Lin didn't look at all Chinese – in fact, she looked eerily like the grown-up version of the picture of Darren's sister Hanna when she was ten.

"Do you have any other relatives?" Olivia asked, obviously thinking along the same lines Elliot was. Was this Darren's long-lost, supposedly killed, sister?

"No," Hannah said. Hannah sighed. "Well," she said, "that is, unless you count the cousins I never talk to anymore. My mom's sister was, well….not stable, to say the least. Somehow she got herself killed, and years later my cousin, who…." Hannah paused, giggling nervously, "….actually had the same name as me, except she spelled it without an "h" at the end, died in a car accident. I lost contact with my other cousin, Darren. I wouldn't be surprised if he offed himself, though. He and Hanna were pretty close, they acted borderline incestuous."

"Incestuous?" Elliot asked, raising his eyes.

"You're a detective and you don't know what incest is?" Hannah said, almost laughing. A couple moments later, breaking the nervous silence, Hannah said, "Don't worry, though. Nothing ever happened between them, at least not that I know of, and I assume they're both dead anyways so it's not like you could arrest them."

"Darren isn't dead," Olivia said.

"What? My cousin's not dead?" Hannah asked, shock evident in her wide, brown eyes.

"Anyways, back to the subject. Your daughter, Mae Lin. When did you last see her?" Olivia asked. She did _not _want to talk about Darren right now.

"I had taken her to the park. My husband, Karl Lin, was out of town. I was sitting on the bench, reading a book while her watching her climb the jungle gym, and the next second I looked up, I heard her screaming. A blond man – probably in his mid-twenties – was grabbing her and trying to stuff Mae in his 

van. I ran after him, but when I tried to reach for Mae the bastard punched me in the eye and I blacked out. When I woke up they were nowhere to be seen," Hannah Lin said. There were fresh tears in her eyes.

"We're going to find her, Miss Lin," Olivia assured the desperate woman. They would, right? But you could never tell these days. Sometimes they found them, the lost ones, the fallen….but you never knew these days. They tried so hard, but it seemed like the devil in the world was growing perpetually stronger. Was it useless? Was it a useless fight, the fight between criminals and law enforcement? What did it mean if law enforcement itself could be victimized? Didn't it mean that they weren't _strong_ enough to capture the criminals? Didn't it? Olivia hoped not.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Later that day, Olivia couldn't stop thinking about Darren. He was still in the hospital, so it wasn't like he was going to come after her again, and once he was released from the hospital he was going to prison pending a trial anyways, but that wasn't what Olivia was thinking about; that wasn't what Olivia was worrying about. She didn't even know what she was worrying about – all she knew was that she was _**extremely**_ confused and that she absolutely **shouldn't** be confused but she **was**.

She still felt extremely guilty for injuring him enough for him to be in the hospital, even though she knew he deserved every single injury after what he had done to her. She still didn't understand the fact that he apologized. Was he just trying to make the jury somehow be more lenient towards him? Olivia wanted to tell the sick bastard that it **wouldn't work**. At least, she _hoped_ it wouldn't.

Did Darren even know that he had a cousin? He probably did. For a second she wondered if they were….

But no, if he was in a relationship with his cousin (who would have had to lie and pretend that she thought Darren was dead, as she did), then why would he have felt the sudden urge to rape someone? Olivia definitely sensed that Hannah Lin was the rash sort of person who didn't really care about the rules. She sensed that maybe in the past, Hannah Lin and Darren had some sort of relationship that ultimately failed.

Did they?

What eventually happened?

What was the downfall like, and was it responsible for who he was today? And did he still love Hannah Lin? Or did he think Hannah Lin had somehow died, just like Hannah Lin had assumed Darren was dead? Maybe it was easier for the both of them, to assume that they were both dead to the universe. Maybe they _wanted_ to be dead to the universe.

But then again, Olivia was probably just jumping to conclusions. But what if she wasn't…? What if some dark, horrible figment of Darren's past still lingered in the air, haunting his every step, causing to be the person he is to day (and Hannah Lin did look particularly similar to Olivia herself), and then, maybe, if 

this tragedy, this unspeakable incest, was the reason that Darren raped Olivia, then maybe it wasn't completely Darren's fault. Maybe it was mostly Hannah Lin's fault. Or maybe it was no one's fault. Maybe….he was just alone. Maybe.

Would it be justifiable for Olivia to ask Hannah if anything ever happened between her and Darren, and whether or not it was a mutual attraction or some sort of bittersweet forced love affair? Probably not. If she was going to find out, she would have to find out from Darren himself. But maybe she didn't even want to find out.

_But._

Incest _was _(**is**) a crime, and so if anything on that level occurred, it was Olivia's job to find out and provide the district attorney with ample evidence to prosecute the offenders. Right? Right? But what if incest _shouldn't_ be a crime, at least if it's mutual?

_What if…?_


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N:**** I'm kind of going to be going back and forth between perspectives in this chapter, so I guess it's kind of third person omniscient, because I'm not saying "…."'s POV or anything like that. But I think the words will explain themselves, so hopefully it won't be confusing.**

**Also, if dialogue is in in " ", it's spoken, and if dialogue is in ' ', then its thought, i.e., silent, and not heard by any character but the character thinking it.**

**Chapter 9**

The car was spinning out of control. Neither of them had seen it – they were both too busy staring at the sidewalk hoping to find signs of their suspect for Hannah Lin's case. They were both focused. Maybe they were concentrating too hard, but when they noticed the car come from behind it was too late. The driver was probably drunk, Olivia noted to herself, as the car collided into the driver's side of the car. 'Oh no! Elliot!' Olivia thought, trying to lean over to try to prevent Elliot from getting hurt, but even as she tried to pull Elliot out of the way, the car window shattered. A sharp piece of glass was jarred between the steering wheel and Elliot's leg.

There was crimson blood everywhere. Everywhere.

"Elliot, hang on…." Olivia said.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

**At The Hospital**

It seemed like all of the bad things were happening all at once. 'They just _couldn't_ slow the pace down….they couldn't _wait_ until calamity's first mess was all cleaned up,' Olivia noted sarcastically. Silent sarcasm lingered in the white walled hospital. Olivia stood in the blank room staring at a sleeping….well, unconscious…Elliot, but she knew that he would be fine, shit it was just a car accident. She was assaulted, and she didn't die, so if logic did them a big favor then Elliot wouldn't die either. When would the doctors give her a prognosis?

"Come on, El, you gotta fight this," Olivia said. "You're….shit, El, just wake up, you're my real brother because blood doesn't count Simon doesn't really have a heart." No, she was wrong there. Simon was….well, Simon was Simon. Olivia's father's blood ran in Simon's veins. Well, then again, you could also say that her father's blood ran in _her_ veins too, but she didn't want to go there; she didn't want to think about it. Olivia shivered. No, Simon probably had a heart, but the real point was, Olivia barely even _knew _Simon, and Simon didn't really give a shit about Olivia, but Elliot did. And every girl needs a brother. If you don't have a brother….

Well, let's not go there. Don't ever not have a brother. Take my word for it.

Olivia stood by Elliot's side for hours, but she could only stand there feeling useless for so long. 'Here she was.' The thought popped into her head, just like that. Here she was, in the hospital. _In the _

_hospital, where Darren still was._ It would be easy for her to think that she was just curious. Curious, that's all. Who wouldn't be? "Most people _wouldn't_ be curious," she silently scolded herself, but she didn't care anymore. Here she was.

And so she was. She decided it was now or never, and now was the perfect time because even if he wanted to hurt her more than he already did, he _wouldn't_ in the hospital (a _hospital_, for God's sake!!_), _at least she didn't think so.

Curiosity killed the cat, damn it! But Olivia _wasn't _a cat. She wasn't Catwoman, either, she was a human being, and, well, that was the whole point. Curiosity couldn't kill her, because she wouldn't let it. _She could __**control**__ it._

Tiptoeing out of the room, Olivia made sure to close the door as softly as possible. She already knew what room Darren was in. It was only a matter of making her feet do the walking. Her feet did the walking. And then there she was, in front of Darren's room.

She had her badge with her, maybe she should just pretend she was investigating. Investigating? Since when does the victim do the investigating, even if she is a cop? 'I'm not a victim, damn it!' Olivia thought. She wanted to be furious. She was furious. A part of her was, anyways. Most of her. 89.9999 of her. But it should be 100, right? Shouldn't it?

Olivia didn't know anymore.

She opened the door. She flashed her badge.

**The Conversation That Changed Everything**

"I said I was sorry, what more do you want?"

"More information to prosecute you with," Olivia lied. Incest was a crime, right? So that was the investigation. "Didn't you know that incest is a crime?"

"I'm not your brother. I'm not your father. I'm not your cousin. Where's the incest?" Darren said. Olivia is a _detective_, so she noticed that he winced slightly….hesitated ever so slightly….before saying the word "cousin". Most people wouldn't.

"No, I'm not, Darren," Olivia said slowly, daring to look straight into his eyes. She wasn't afraid of him. _'I am,' _a part of her conscious whispered to the animalistic being that was taking over. Olivia didn't respond to her conscious. Everyone had two faces, right? Even the soul? Retaking, Olivia said, "But Hannah Lin is." She knew that she had hit a nerve, and she didn't want to. That didn't make any sense at all, because hitting a nerve is a huge integgoration strategy. But Olivia wasn't really here to intogorate Darren. She was here to…what was she here for? Because of her purpose. To bring the fallen creatures back to life, and Darren definitely had fallen. Why? 'Because he kept all of his pain inside,' Olivia thought to herself. That's the only reasonable explanation. If you hide from your pain, you have to know that the shadow will eventually explode. Only, that's the whole problem. You _don't _

know that the shadow will explode….in fact, you think you can contain it, that you can keep it from torturing you for too long, that you can even use it to do good. That was why Olivia did what she did, wasn't it? Because she was a product of her mother's rape, and cleaning the world up from unnecessary injustice was better than screaming at walls and eventually slitting her wrists or leaping off of the emperor state building.

"How do you know about Hannah Lin?" Darren asked quietly. Something had changed about his voice. What was it? Olivia couldn't quite place it, but it was something kind of like sorrow, but something even deeper, more painful, more heart-wrenching.

"I'm a detective, Darren," Olivia said, but her voice was soft also; not really the voice of a detective.

"Why do you care?" Darren asked.

_Because it's against the law. Because if you keep it all inside, you'll….well, that already happened, though, didn't it? Olivia saw Hannah. Olivia was practically an exact replica of Hannah. Because…because Hannah's the reason you raped me, Darren._ But Olivia didn't say that. Instead, she just said, "Because you can't just keep everything inside forever."

_If incest had happened, then the jurisdiction date had passed, anyways._

Kind of understanding, but not really understanding, Darren said, "Are you really here to investigate? Because I'm sure the….um, jurisdiction, for….whatever happened between Hannah and I….passed."

"So it's true, then?" Olivia asked. "What happened? You at least owe me an explanation," Olivia said.

Darren nodded. "It was a long time ago. I remember it clearly, no matter how many days ago everything started. Hannah's parents…they would beat her. Well, her father would, but her mother never did anything about it. But I saw the bruises, and I….and she…." Darren paused, taking a deep breath, as if he wasn't sure if he wanted to face his demons, but he knew he had to. "…and…we fell for each other. It took us a while to admit it. I took care of her, cleaned her cuts when she started cutting to escape the pain her father put her in, and eventually….she stopped cutting….One day she told me that she thought she might have feelings for me, more than just cousinly feelings. I…well, she was beautiful, the most beautiful woman in the world, and she was in so much pain, and I didn't have feelings for her, but I loved her and I couldn't stand for her to be in such pain, so I told her I felt the same way, that I was in love, and eventually….weeks later…..we had sex…..the relationship lasted about four months, keeping it a secret, and somewhere in those four months I fell in love with her , at least I thought I did, but…when my sister died, I…I couldn't continue, I mean they were both Hannah/Hanna, I remembered how I really felt, that I had just confused my love and concern for romance. I didn't want her to kill herself, but….and eventually the relationship fell apart. We started fighting, and then you know, it just thought. I…I thought she killed herself, and I blamed myself because I kind of made her think I was dead, but then I found out she was alive, and well….I don't know how to feel; I don't know if she betrayed me or if I betrayed her, except I'm not in love with her."

Tears were running down Darren's face. He didn't even bother with trying to hide them.

"She knows you're alive," Olivia said. She didn't want to tell him, but she had to. "Her daughter's missing."

Obviously, if her surname was "Lin" now that meant she had found a way to fall in love again and marry. It meant….that what happened hadn't destroyed Hannah forever, that she had survived. Hopefully her daughter would too.

"She had a daughter?" Darren asked.

Olivia nodded. Then silence filled the room. A silence so heavy, a silence so potent and dangerous and well, a silence that might be more dangerous than the inevitable collapse of the carnal, blissful, but ignorant relationship between Hannah and Darren. Would this be ignorant, too? _Hopefully not, Hopefully not._

_But they wouldn't go into it knowing. It would come as a surprise to the both of them._

"Why?" Olivia asked.

"Why what?" Darren asked.

Silence again. "Why did you rape me?"

And there wasn't really anything he could say to take her pain away. What could he say? He was drunk, and she was Hannah's mirror image; a more perfect version of Hannah, and being drunk he couldn't deny his animalistic urges…. No, there was no explanation.

"I want to say I didn't mean to, but…there's no explanation that justifies it, I know that," Darren said. "I'm sorry, I really am," he said.

'Was he really?' Olivia wondered. She hadn't even realized that she was trembling. The whole time.

Olivia shook her head. The angry part of her awoke again. "You still did. You can't take it back." Her voice was full of fury, full of animal, full of everything that she didn't want to admit to herself.

There were tears in both of their eyes.

"I..." Darren started to say, but instead said, "Why did you come see me?"

Olivia didn't have an answer. Ambivalence swarmed through her skull, like a tirade of angry bees who had been provoked by some violent noise.

And in the mode she was in-for the amount of time she stood there angry wanting to punch him, strangle him, anything- she didn't notice what he was doing; she didn't see him reach for one of the hospital tools and attempt to slit his own throat…

…she didn't see it until she smelled the blood, the blood of suicide….

….And she rushed to his side and grabbed the knife and she was angry, he deserved life in prison (death was too easy of a punishment. The worst punishment was to live with what he did). But that wasn't the only reason, and Olivia knew it. She grabbed a napkin from the hospital tray to put pressure on Darren's self-inflicted wound. She couldn't get the image of his despondent emerald eyes out of her head. Reason told her that she shouldn't care so she pushed her concern deep into a pit somewhere inside her soul.

"You deserve prison, not death, damn it," Olivia said. "Don't you dare take the easy way out! You have to pay for what you did to me."

But the thing (the _obvious_ thing) was, he _knew it_, and to him, because his mother committed suicide, death _**wasn't**_ the easy way out.

"Please don't die," she whispered, wondering from which oasis _that_ came from. All she had to do was ring a buzzer and then the doctors came. 'How ironic it was', Olivia thought, 'That he attempted suicide in a _hospital_.'

And she knew what she had to say to make sure he didn't give up on life, whether it was the truth or not….

…..was it…..

…..no…..yes……no….yes…..no…..maybe….

…..she whispered, no one could hear (it was way too silent to be heard by any other living human; the decibel level was too low) but the unconscious (but not dead) Darren, the soul, not the body…the trapped soul…..

…..maybe (but maybe not)…..

…….. "_I forgive you…."_

…_.Did she? She didn't know. Could she? She could never forget. She could never forget. NEVER. _

_Don't die, damn it, because I'll feel guilty, it's like I murdered you…._

_Don't die…._

But this was a hospital.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

When Olivia returned to Elliot's room, she stood by his side until he woke up, and eventually, he did just that; he woke up.

"Don't worry, Liv. It's just a scratch. I'm alright," he said.

Just a flesh wound. No damage to the soul. A car accident. No real perp. No monster.

"You will be," Olivia said. "If you take it easy for the next couple of weeks," she joked, but even though this wasn't a time for joking, it was all just a normal part of the all too notorious Elliot-and-Olivia banter, brother-sister speak that was the ultimate inside joke. No one understood but Elliot and Olivia. And wasn't that what siblings were for?

Olivia didn't tell Elliot anything about her latest encounter with Darren. She kept it inside of her, knowingly letting it haunt at her, letting it eat at her soul…..

**To Be Continued….**


	10. Chapter 10

_Take this lemon now, take it and do with it what you can._

**Ch. 10**

It was raining outside. Filthy water, pure water (it's all the same, anyways rain has its way of performing two contradicting job: cleaning and destroying). The smudged window was stained with old scars left from dried water marks. Olivia watched new droplets begin to form, smacking down hard with some fiery rampage. Thunder. Olivia shuddered. Against her will, her body flinched. She stood in the precinct, staring out the window, knowing full well that she was hiding from everything that had happened. Behind her, a lone figure walked in. Even from Elliot's shadow Olivia could tell that he had no intention of letting a mere car accident prevent him from working.

"El," Olivia said, turning around. "What are you doing here?" To be honest, Olivia was actually surprised that the hospital staff had let Elliot be released this quickly.

"I work here," Elliot said.

"You should still be at the hospital, or at least at home resting," Olivia said, concern growing in her eyes.

But they had a case to work on, so both of them knew that what either of them said took on slim to no role in any decision process. After all, they were both determined SVU detectives. And right now there was a missing, most likely suffering, child to find. From the photograph Hannah Lin had given them, Olivia couldn't get the picture of the small girl, black hair, wide almond-shaped eyes, pale yellow skin. Skinny. Sitting at a red desk in the corner, staring at an off-white wall, reading. Something about the child's eyes disconcerted her. She seemed so content, yet at the same time so off-center. As if she had been forced to grow up too soon. But whatever was on her mind, whatever mild misery tortured her tiny soul, Olivia knew that now it had amplified, not multiplied but instead taken on a new form – a new form of reality and terror and mind games. Olivia had to find Mae Lin. Before it was too late. But it was already too late. Mae would be changed forever. Forever. Olivia knew first-hand.

"Any leads yet?" Elliot asked, ignoring Olivia's comment about seemingly-pointless rest.

"Not really," Olivia said. "Whoever took Mae was effective at covering his tracks, unfortunately."

"But that's not all you're thinking about," Elliot noted. Damn their twin telekinetic dynamic. They weren't twins, damn it, but they understood each other the way twins did. When something was off balance with the other one, the other one noticed. More than noticed. His pain was her pain. Her pain was his pain. But damn it, Olivia didn't want to talk about it.

"It is," Olivia lied.

"You're lying. Please, talk about it. You can't get over it without dealing with your emotions," Elliot said.

"I don't want to talk about it," Olivia said. How could she tell Elliot, her best friend, what was going on her head? She couldn't, that was the answer, because it was crazy. But. The truth now. What she was feeling. Could she avoid it?

"Why not?" Elliot asked.

Olivia shook her head. "I don't want to," she said. Because if she denied it, then maybe it wouldn't be true.

"Please…." Elliot asked.

Olivia shook her head. "We have to find Mae. We can't let whatever sick bastard has her kill her. We can't…."

Mae. The last link to Hannah Lin. 'Damn it for caring,' Olivia thought to herself. Damn it. This was just a case, just another case, only she knew it wasn't.

"Well, we should probably start by talking to Mrs. Lin again," Elliot said.

Olivia nodded. They headed for the door. It was still raining, but at this point, fully immersed in the case they were working on, neither Elliot nor Olivia cared.

**To Be Continued…**


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N:** **sorry it took me so long to update! **

**Ch.11**

In the car on the way to Mrs. Lin's house Olivia kept staring out the window. "What's on your mind?" Elliot asked. He could always tell when something was bothering her. He wasn't going to let it go – he never did. In a way she was glad.

"It's nothing, really," Olivia insisted.

Elliot's eyes told her that he wasn't buying it.

"I'm just confusing myself, okay?" Olivia said, and it _was_ the truth – it just didn't include the details. Right now she just wanted to take her life back – pretend that nothing ever happened. If only it were that easy.

"You know that you can tell me anything," Elliot said.

"I know," Olivia said, still staring out the window. The dark green leaves stuck on the trees swayed back and forth with the wind. The sky was a sullen mix between blue and gray. Olivia was so lost in her inner psyche that she didn't realize it when the car stopped.

"We're here," Elliot said, and they got out of the car and went on like nothing even happened. They did what they did best – solving cases.

Olivia knocked on the door. She wasn't prepared for what she saw when Hannah opened the door –

_A pale faced Hannah, still in her blue nightgown. Old tear stains splotched across her face. New tears still forming._

"I'm not in the mood," Hannah said, "For more questioning." Her voice was sharp, tired, and acidic.

"Mrs. Lin, we need more information to help us locate Mae," Elliot spoke.

Hannah Lin stared at the ground. "So you're telling me that you're not going to be able to find her? Great, just great," Hannah said sarcastically. "Now all I need is for Karl to die and then I lose everyone," Hannah said.

"We're going to find her, Hannah," Olivia said in a soft voice. "I promise." But how could she make a promise that she didn't know if she could keep? She would do her best to find Mae, but what if whatever psycho who had her chose to end her life before Olivia, Elliot, and the backup arrived at the scene? What if?

"I told you everything I know," Hannah said.

"Do you know if anything strange happened in the past week preceding your daughter's disappearance? Maybe Mae told you that someone was following her…" Elliot asked.

"If I had seen any signs I _wouldn't_ have let anything happen," Hannah said. Why did she feel the need to keep her guard up, to remain so stubborn?

"I didn't notice anything, okay?" Hannah said. "Mae was there one second, and the next second she was gone. She was screaming, I tried to run after her but a hand pulled her into a yellow car…."

"Did you see the attacker's face?" Olivia asked.

"I think I would have _told_ you guys if I did," Hannah said.

"We're going to find her, Hannah," Elliot assured her.

"Why haven't you found her already?" Hannah asked. Her voice resonated with tired sorrow, something deep in her inner core that shook every ounce of her being. Olivia could tell that Hannah knew that Darren had attempted to kill himself. Olivia realized that she didn't really know what condition he was in at this point, or if he was dead or almost dead or in a coma or something like that. She hated it that she even cared, but she also hated seeing a person torn in two the way Hannah was, so much happening at once. It was obvious that Hannah wasn't a person who didn't know pain, but it was almost as if she had been away from pain for so long that it came as too much of a shock, and that she couldn't carry the weight of it this time around.

That at least Olivia could relate to – years of being told she was nothing by her mother, shoved around by a drunk, raging madwoman who tried so hard to love her but couldn't. Olivia had been a lonely teenager, no friends, trying to bury the pain by cutting herself, letting the pain be absorbed by the crimson blood, sink down somewhere deep inside where she wouldn't be able to reach it. And then putting her pain aside completely, and standing up for the weak; standing up for the victim's rights by becoming a special victim's unit detective. And then in one night all of the stability that she had worked so hard for had collapsed, and right now even though it was against everything she was taught she desperately needed to know how Darren was, but she didn't say anything.

"We're doing our best, Hannah," Olivia said, trying to hide the tears that were threatening to fall down from her eyes.

"We'll call you if we have any leads," Elliot said before they left.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Back at the station, Olivia sat at her desk after going through every yellow car seen passing by the night Mae went missing. They made phone-calls and got more information and hopefully there were witnesses - that someone else who hadn't been panicked had taken down the license plate of the yellow car. They decided to go with a press conference so that anyone who had any clues would come forward.

They had gone through with the press conference and right now the only thing they could do was wait for phone calls that actually were solid.

"Did you hear the news?" Elliot asked.

"What news?" Olivia asked.

"Darren attempted suicide," Elliot said.

Olivia tried to fake a reaction. How was she even supposed to react, anyways? How was she supposed to feel, anyways?

"Yeah, I knew about that," Olivia said nonchalantly.

**To be continued…**


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12**

_**Previously on Backwards: A Love Story:**_

_Back at the station, Olivia sat at her desk after going through every yellow car seen passing by the night Mae went missing. They made phone-calls and got more information and hopefully there were witnesses - that someone else who hadn't been panicked had taken down the license plate of the yellow car. They decided to go with a press conference so that anyone who had any clues would come forward._

_They had gone through with the press conference and right now the only thing they could do was wait for phone calls that actually were solid._

"_Did you hear the news?" Elliot asked._

"_What news?" Olivia asked._

"_Darren attempted suicide," Elliot said._

_Olivia tried to fake a reaction. How was she even supposed to react, anyways? How was she supposed to feel, anyways?_

"_Yeah, I knew about that," Olivia said nonchalantly._

_**Now:**_

Olivia lay in the crib and stared at the ceiling. She had finished working about an hour ago, but she didn't really feel like going home. Even though she had no reason to be afraid of anything, sometimes her instincts got the better of her. At least they finally had some leads on the case of the disappearance of Mae Lin. An innocent bystander had seen a man described as "Asian" and "wearing glasses" pull a young child into a white van.

_Flashback:_

"_Why didn't you call us sooner?" Olivia Benson asked the young man, Jon Tanti, who had called in a couple of hours ago, revealing important information. He had agreed to come into the 16__th__ precinct to give the detectives valuable information to help them find Mae Lin._

"_I was scared," Mr. Tanti admitted. "I think the man saw me, because he glared into my eyes and said, "Don't even think about it." I'm sure it was a threat. Then I heard him saying to the child, "Lai a, lai a."_

"_Do you know what he meant?" Olivia asked._

"_It means "come here," except in a degrading way," Dr. Wong said._

"_Did you hear anything else? See anything else?" Olivia asked Mr. Tanti._

"_No…" Mr. Tanti said._

"_The driver's license number of the van?" Elliot asked._

"_I wrote it down," Mr. Tanti said, pulling a damp, wrinkled sheet of paper out of his pocket, handing it to Elliot._

"_Thank you," Olivia said. However, both of the detectives had their suspicions that Jon Tanti was somehow involved._

Back to present:

Olivia knew she should go home, but she wasn't going to get any sleep either way, so she might as well stay at work, her second home. She knew her co-workers had probably noticed the circles under her eyes; they had probably noticed that she wasn't herself. Did they know that she was falling apart inside, no matter how hard she attempted to put on a strong face? Was she translucent? She didn't want to risk being seen as week. She didn't want to be seen as a weird freak, either, so she couldn't reveal that side of her conflicting emotions, either.

So, that was it, then, she was alone out of desperation – she had friends, but because they were friends and she refused to risk losing face, she had to keep everything boiled up inside. Honestly, she didn't even know anymore if she wanted to press charges on Darren. The case had been delayed because of his suicide attempt, and besides, time was the essence. Sure, he raped her, but wasn't it more important to find Mae Lin before she ended up dead? Olivia wasn't dead – right now Mae was important. She looked down at the manila folder with all the papers for the case. It lay stagnant on the left side of her lap; a Chinese-English dictionary open on the right side of her lap.

She had been at it for hours, though, and she didn't feel like working. Her phone rang. It was Elliot.

"Hi Elliot," Olivia said. Weird that Elliot was still up too. It was almost 2 a.m. in the morning.

"You're still up too?" Elliot asked.

"I answered my phone, didn't I?" Olivia said.

"Well, I can't sleep; you want to go get coffee?" Elliot asked.

"To help you sleep?" Olivia joked.

"Maybe I don't want to sleep," Elliot joked back.

"Okay, see you in ten minutes. Where?" Olivia said.

"My place I guess. Probably nothing's open this hour," Elliot said before hanging up. [A/N: it is not EO, even if it seems like it.]

Olivia needed a change of scenery, anyways. Maybe that was all she needed. Maybe her feelings were an illusion. She stood up and stared at the pale tile floor and thought about the ghosts of all of the victims she had failed to save and all of the innocent people killed or destroyed by the perps who had got out early on parole. She walked out the door and soon she was outside in the frigid air, looking at the dark sky and the pale yellow moon and smiling despite everything.

Elliot and Olivia sat in Elliot's kitchen sipping coffee while trying to see past the dull window shades, purposely avoiding any real conversation. But of course, it came up eventually.

"Are you sure you're alright?" Elliot asked.

Olivia waited a moment before answering. Then, softly, she said, "Yeah, I think I am."

"Are you sure?" Elliot asked.

"I don't know, El, okay? Would _you _know if you were okay? Can anyone really know if they're okay?" Olivia asked, not really angry – just worked up.

"I guess not," Elliot said softly.

"I think…."Olivia said, letting her words wander off into the jittery air.

"What?" Elliot asked.

"I think… I don't want to press charges on Darren," Olivia said.

"WHAT?" Elliot asked. "Wait, did he threaten you?"

"How could he threaten me? He's in the hospital," Olivia said.

"Well, why, then…?" Elliot asked, puzzled.

And that was the thing….Olivia didn't really know why, herself. She had no answer for Elliot. She hadn't prepared one…she certainly hadn't expected the subject would come up. What was she supposed to say? _Two words, Elliot. Stockholm Syndrome. Except that it wasn't called Stockholm syndrome when the victim truly cared about the person who attacked her. And, of course, Olivia act like a victim, and, of course, she certainly wasn't crazy._

"I don't know," Olivia finally said.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

The next day, Olivia paced back and forth in the precinct holding a cup of coffee. Suppressing a yawn, she stared at the clock. It was 7:30 a.m., which meant she was early. She was determined to find Mae today. She _would_ find Mae today. They had the license plate number, so Olivia had done some research on the computer and found out their perps name, address, and occupation. His name was Li Deng, and he worked at a Chinese restaurant in New York's Chinatown. They had enough information for a search warrant, which hopefully would give them enough information for an arrest warrant.

Soon enough, the rest of the crew was in and they got to work. Soon enough, or, at least, the detectives hoped, Mae would be safe and warm, back with her mother.

Elliot and Olivia burst into Mr. Deng's apartment, waving their search warrant in the air. Unfortunately, Mae wasn't there, and neither was Mr. Deng. In fact, the place seemed to have been completely abandoned. No one had been there for days.

**To be continued….**


	13. Chapter 13

A/N: I should be studying for my Chinese quiz and preparing my dualism presentation, but what the heck, I feel like procrastinating so I'll update. **:=D** (well, maybe actually I can combine it. lol. Maybe they'll find Mae and she can say something in Chinese. Or maybe not. ) oh yeah, **disclaimer**: if I owned it, they'd be FBI agents. I don't own it.

**Chapter 13**

There had to be _some_ sort of clue in the abandoned building! There had to be! Unfortunately, Olivia was finding it hard to concentrate. The feelings of déjà-vu were inevitable. The whole thing came flashing back to her, and as much as she told herself to focus, she couldn't. It's not that she was afraid –at least, not consciously – this was just her body's, and maybe her psyche's, natural response. It didn't really help that the building was dark and creepy. Every once and a while she would hear a creaking noise, making her bones shiver. "There it is again," Olivia thought, suddenly jumping. Looking down, she saw dried blood on the cement floor. Bending down to take a closer look, she realized that it couldn't have been dry for too long – maybe an hour or two.

"Elliot, I found something," Olivia said, signaling Elliot to the scene.

His body followed his tall, dark shadow. Elliot kneeled down and stared at the dark blood. The two detectives couldn't help but to get an ominous vibe from this. Is this Mae's blood? Is she dead or just injured? Or maybe it had nothing to do with Mae. Maybe it was their perp's blood, but that wasn't a likely story.

"Damn it!" Elliot cussed. "We were too late!"

"Not necessarily," Olivia said. "If we hurry, maybe she'll still be alive…"

"Yeah, but we have no fucking clue where she is," Elliot said, apparently as frustrated as Olivia secretly was.

Fortunately, the blood turned out to be enough for an arrest warrant for Li Deng. CSI analyzed the components of the blood and found out that the DNA particles were a match to someone of relation to Hannah Lin, since they had half of Hannah Lin's DNA. (A/N: best description I could think of, it's been a couple years since I've taken any science class). They found out Li Deng's real arrest, and it was time to hop over there and bring the unlucky bastard in for questioning. Hopefully, he would end up revealing details as to Mae's whereabouts.

"Li Deng, you're under arrest for the kidnapping of Mae Lin," Olivia Benson said in a powerful voice. "You have a right to remain silent. Everything you say can and will be used against you."

"Mei dong! Mei dong!" Li Deng shouted in drunken randomness. (A/N: what he is saying means "I don't understand! I don't understand!) "I didn't do nothing wrong!" Li Deng shouted.

They took Li Deng the 16th precinct and questioned him for hours, but he kept his mouth shut. He was one obstinate bastard. They had tried every tactic possible, but it was all to no avail. Too soon, Li Deng had lawyered up. At the moment, there was nothing else they could do but hold on to hope and keep searching.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Meanwhile, Cragen was informed that Darren was released from the hospital and they could bring him in for questioning again. "Right now finding Mae was more important," Olivia insisted.

"We did everything we could," Fin said. "Besides, don't you want justice for what he…."

"We need to find Mae. She could be still alive somewhere, injured and trapped against her will. We need to find her. We need to," Olivia said. It was obvious that she was starting to put too much of herself into this case. There were dark circles under her eyes, but it wasn't only that: she was always determined, but now her determination and rage at whoever took Mae had increased by a tenfold. None of them guessed, except maybe Elliot, that a secret part of her was using this as an excuse to not finish the case on Darren. After all, why wouldn't she want her rapist to be behind bars?

"She's probably already dead, Liv. You saw the blood with your own eyes," Elliot said.

"She's NOT dead," Olivia insisted.

So the detectives pulled together their resources. They went back to the abandoned house and studied the barren wasteland more carefully. This time, they found a trap door leading to a separate, underground corridor. Why hadn't they seen it before?

"Damn it!" Elliot cussed through his breath. Was Mae Lin down there?

Carefully, Olivia pried the door open, using a side kick to bust the door all the way open. She rushed down the slippery, dark staircase, followed by Elliot, Fin, and Munch. All of them were there in case some sort of problem arose. At first they didn't see anything because it was so dark, but then they saw a small figure curled up in a ball, shaking and weeping. Olivia ran up to Mae and covered her half-naked, badly bruised body in her NYPD jacket.

"Elliot, call a bus," Olivia said.

**To be continued….will Mae survive?…. (review & tell me what you all think!)**


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